Life Affirmation in the Baby Gap

Have you ever had one of those defining moments when you least expect it that just really illustrates to you that you have indeed chosen the right life? I had one of those moments this past Sunday.

I am generally happy with my life. I am married to a man who I am more in love with than I ever thought possible, and Claire has just made my life. I have a great career that allows me to keep my foot in the workforce while staying at home with my child. I have awesome friends, and wonderful siblings. I know all of these things, but sometimes as the days and weeks pass, I kind of let my mind wander to what my life might have been like had I made different decisions. Those thoughts are never in regret of the choices I did make...more just out of curiosity.

So, on Sunday, I just really needed some time to myself, so Jim agreed to hang out with Claire while I did my thing. As it turns out, doing my thing was going to pick out some Fall clothes for Claire, so I sped out to Lenox Square to find some duds. My first stop was Gymboree where I was unimpressed, so I moved on to Baby Gap. I was sifting through some baby yoga pants (ummm...do babies do yoga, and if so, do they really need separate pants for it?) when I heard a really familiar Southern voice. I turned to place the voice and then I saw him. I hadn't seen him in five and a half years since we'd gone to lunch after his much belated graduation from the University of Georgia. I hadn't seen him since we'd realized that yes, this time it was really over. No, there wasn't someone else, but there was me...and that's who I was trying to hold on to. It was my college ex-boyfriend who I will call Heath Denkins. And his mother. And his very pregnant wife. And I was alone. Without my husband. And without my baby. In my fat jeans.

I said hello to him and he looked at me as if he could kill me for even thinking to shop in the same store as him. His mother hugged my neck, and as she shouted my name, Heath's wife (Lauren?) screeched around the rack of onesies to see who this female voice belonged to. I saw her swollen belly and congratulated her -- them -- and told them that I had a daughter at home. Claire. Heath's response was, "you have a baby?" like he was destroyed that I had gotten there first. I wanted to tell him that it had been hard, and I had been sick and that I deserved to get there, not necessarily first, but just because it hadn't been easy. But, I didn't. I just overcompensated for the awkwardness by chattering incessantly. I told them I had just gone back to work and that I loved it, but that it was hard to manage everything. It's really not all that hard, but people want to hear that it's hard so that's what's I tell them. I asked his wife (Laura?) if she was planning on going back to work, and she told me that she didn't work and hadn't since they got married a few years ago. Oh. My mind immediately shifted seven years back to my studying in Heath's craphole apartment when he told me I didn't have to study to do well in school because I'd never have to work if I just stuck with him. I'd just have babies and keep the home. I broke up with him a week later.

So then instead of taking that opportunity to leave the Baby Gap like we all know I should have, I asked if they were going to deliver at Northside. For you non-Atlantans, Northside is a fantastic hospital to deliver, especially for high risk pregnancies. It has great providers, boasts wonderful outcomes and offers a well-established special care nursery -- all things that had to exist in order for me to deliver there. His wife explained that no, they lived in Jefferson, Georgia, and they'd be delivering there. They lived in the country. They asked where we live. The city, I said.

I realized that Claire didn't need any yoga pants, so I wished them luck, wished Mrs. Denkins a happy birthday since I'd just remembered it was her birthday and got out of there as soon as I could. I didn't go to any other stores. I just left the mall. I wanted to leave the man that I almost never left to get home to the man I almost never met. I couldn't drive fast enough. On my way home, I of course called all of my girlfriends who'd been there through my Heath era and made it to my Jim era. They all laughed and agreed that I was totally validated in breaking into a cold sweat and sprouting hives. We also agreed that maybe I should shower and dry my hair before visiting the mall. Whoops.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and picked up a carrot cake so that Jim and I could celebrate our right decisions. It was delicious -- our life and the cake.

And yes, I know I was younger, tanner, thinner and blonder in the picture to the right. Everyone is younger, tanner, thinner and blonder on their wedding day.